Is it bad to have narcissistic qualities? Not really. These qualities can contribute positively to society, especially in competitive environments. Let's face it: everything is competitive to some degree. People who serve non-profits- working hard to raise money. People who are successful in their jobs. A bit of narcissism can come across as confident, successful, ambitious, or even visionary. They could also be viewed as arrogant, manipulative, or controlling. These traits are very common and exist on a spectrum that rarely meets the criteria for any kind of formal diagnosis. That's where self-awareness comes into play. Reflecting on and being willing to improve is a sign of a desire for personal growth. People with these traits don't necessarily experience any significant issues and often have strong self-esteem and ambition.
On the flip side, there are folks with more codependent traits- people pleasers, nurturers, etc. Is it bad to have these traits? Most people wouldn't think so, these are the people who would 'give you the shirt off their back' as they say. But, they can also get taken advantage of and tend to attract those with narcissistic traits.
The thing is, people like to look for someone to blame. It's easier to be a victim. It's easier to blame your boss or your company for your unhappiness or problems at work, to rage at another driver on the road. Blaming others for your own actions. But, what about your role in the situation? We can't change what's beyond our control. Yet, we are responsible for ourselves and our responses. If you choose to remain in your employment situation, what can you do to stop perpetuating the problem instead of continuing to be a victim of the situation you find yourself in? Instead of complaining about your boss 'ruining your day', consider who is really responsible for ruining your day and *LET* other people ruin it? People can reflect, understand themselves, set boundaries, and control their actions. They can also take responsibility if they chose to be a victim of their circumstances.
But how?
I work hard to avoid situations that negatively affect my mental health and affect the people I interact with negatively. I know when someone aggravates me on the road, getting angry, honking, flipping them off is going to increase my anger and contribute to my ability to handle more important things to my day. I imagine them finding out that their loved one is in the hospital or they are having another personal crisis. I wonder if something else in their life has happened to take their mind off the road. Maybe they just made an honest mistake, we've all been there, right? Or, maybe they are just an asshole? How would I know. Will my horn or middle finger have any positive impact in the situation? Probably not, and I'll find myself in a better place by avoiding that natural response. This is an attitude that can be used in many other areas in life. I can't control my boss being on my ass, but I can imagine other factors contributing to their behavior. I can also ponder how my contributions have contributed or will contribute to perpetuating the situation. When my colleagues complain about the same issues, how can I help providing this perspective rather than joining in on the complaining?
The person with narcissistic traits can own how they use these traits, how they treat others, and how their treatment of others will affect themselves and those around them. The people-pleaser can recognize that their tendency to sacrifice their own needs for others' happiness can be seen as cooperative and nurturing. But, they may also have resentment if their efforts aren't recognized, suppress their true emotions, and enable others to take advantage of them.
It's hard to improve things that are naturally difficult for us, change is hard. It's much easier to use our tenancies as an excuse for our actions. With the ability to reflect, improve, and the desire for personal growth, we shouldn't view these traits as inherently negative. They are positive in many ways, but we are responsible for how we use them in negative ways.
Adam Cushing
www.adamcushing.com
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